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Q: Why don't ducks tell jokes when they are flying?
A: Because they would quack up.
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Q: What do you get if you pour hot water in a rabbit hole?
A: Hot cross bunny.
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What is the definition of a bum?
Kojak with a parting.
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Sometimes I wake up grumpy;
Other times I let him sleep.
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How many Psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but the light bulb has got to WANT to change.
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What did one tampon say to the other tampon?
Nothing they were both stuck up cunts.
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The old farmer goes to town and buys a new young rooster. He brings it home and looses it into the hen house.
The young rooster struts around a while catching the eye of all the hens. The old rooster has been watching this and after a while he calls the young one over.
"I'll do you a deal, you can have all the hens you want, just leave me one OK?"
The young one says, "Forget it old man, you'll be roasted soon, don't bother"
"So you think," said the old rooster, "I'll bet you I can beat you any day"
"You gotta be kidding" say the young one.
"Tell you what" the old rooster says " I'll challenge you to a race. One lap around the house. If I win I get to keep my favorite hen, you win you get everything."
The young rooster considers this a while and says, "OK, and I'll even give you a head start"
So the race is on, the old rooster takes off and a few second later the young one sets off in pursuit.
As they get around the front of the house the old rooster starts to squark and make all kinds of noise.
The farmer, who is sitting on the front porch looks up, sighs picks up his shotgun and blows the young rooster away.
As he cleans up the mess he says to his wife, "You know, thats the third poofter rooster I had to shoot this week!"
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A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home.
So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!"
So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well, who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.
The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blowjob once we get there?"
"What?! Get the hell out of my cab."
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?"
The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks."
The businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.
--
There were three gentlemen waiting at the pearly gates. St. Peter comes out and says, "I've got some disappointing news for two of you. We are having some problems in our admissions area. I can only let one of you come into heaven today. I can get the other two tomorrow, but only one today."
St. Peter continued to explain, "The person who can tell the best story how they died will be the one who comes in to heaven today." The gentlemen thought this was fair.
The first man stood up to St. Peter and began: "I knew my wife was cheating on me, I rushed home from work, flew open the door and there she was, lying on the couch, naked. I knew I caught her! I ran all through the apartment. Upstairs, downstairs, under the bed, in the closets, Nothing! I was just about to apologize to her when I heard a Scratch, Scratch, Scratch at the window. I opened the window and there he was, hanging from the windowsill. I grabbed a skillet and banged him on the head. I watched him fall down down down, but he landed in some bushes. I was still flaming with adrenaline! I edged our refrigerator over to the window and it was just about to fall when I noticed my coat was hooked to the frige. So down I fall to my death."
St. Peter couldn't help but be shocked! He said, "That was a great story! You are sure to be the winner today."
The next man steps up and says, "Well, I was a window washerman. I was doing my job one afternoon when all of a sudden the ropes broke and I'm falling to my death. I had my arms raised up to God praying to catch me. At one moment my hands caught a window ledge, I was saved!! I was giving my thanks and trying to get the people inside to open the window by scratching at the window when all of a sudden a crazy man opened the window and beaned me with a skillet. Once again I was falling to my death. But once again, I was being watched. I fell into a nice group of bushes. As I opened my eyes to thank God, a refrigerator was screaming down at me. That is my story."
St. Peter was stunned. He looked at the last man and said, "You better have a good story, because the last man had a doozy!"
The last man smiled and said, "OK, picture this, Naked, hiding in a refrigerator..."
--
A wealthy couple had planned to go out for the evening. The woman of the house decided to give their butler, Jeeves, the rest of the night off.
She said they would be home very late, and that he should just enjoy his evening.
As it turned out, however, the wife wasn't having a good time at the party, so she came home early, alone. Her husband had to stay there, as several of his important clients were there. As the woman walked into her house, she saw Jeeves sitting by himself in the dining room. She called for him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom. She then closed and locked the door.
She looked at him and smiled. "Jeeves," she said. "Take off my dress."
He did this carefully. "Jeeves," she continued. "Take off my stockings and garter." He silently obeyed her.
"Jeeves," she then said. "Remove my bra and panties."
As he did this, the tension continued to mount. She looked at him and then said, "Jeeves, if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!"
Cartoons:
These can be adult in nature:
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